Sta. Lucia Smackdown!

VENUE: Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall in Cainta, Rizal: the way between the old building along Marcos highway to the new one, along Felix (formerly Imelda) Avenue
DATE: March 03 2006
TIME: 7:00 PM

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, Sta. Lucia mall together with Infidelity Productions, shamefully bring to you the grudge match between Hell hath or Double H*(short for “Hell hath no fury than a woman betrayed”) and her philandering husband, Don Juan* with his paramour, Morgana*. This fight is a no disqualification bout; both combatants are allowed to use whatever technique or weapon in trying to maim one another. I’m your host for this evening, Quinito Kintanar, and I’ll give you a blow-by-blow account of this impromptu bout. As ring announcer Michael Buffer would say, or rather shout, “Leeeeeeet's get ready to rumbleeeee!”

DJ and Morgana are strolling in the mall, oblivious to their surroundings. They would have remained in their blissful surrender to one another’s presence if not for the howls of madness coming from a distance. Suddenly, Double H ambushes DJ from behind with a flurry of lefts and rights! Oh my God!!! Double H repeatedly slams her fists in the face of the stunned DJ! I would never want to be in DJ’s shoes right now! DJ tries to dodge Double H’s blows, but her faux Louis Vuitton bag lands smack in his face and back! Hell hath shouts almost every known expletive in the dictionary as she unleashes her fury!

Moving on impulse, DJ moves in front of Morgana to spare her from Double H’s blows. He was unsuccessful, however, as the wronged woman pushes him aside and strikes Morgana with the same intensity as she did her unfaithful man! Holy sh*t! That scratch to the face surely hurts as hell, and will definitely leave a mark! Ooohhh! Look at that bag buckle hit Morgana’s lips! Boy oh boy, when this fight is over, DJ would certainly receive no goodnight kiss from this gal!

Ladies and gentlemen, Double H has been on the offensive since the start of this bout; so far, both DJ and Morgana have done nothing to retaliate! Is it because of guilt, having been caught in flagrante delicto, or are they both ashamed of striking back when in fact they have wronged Hell hath in the first place? Whatever their reasons are, they surely are the losers of this match even if a pin or a knockout has not yet been registered; they have suffered greatly with Hell hath’s arsenal of both physical and verbal assaults, of fists and expletives combined. In the audience’s opinions, they have lost this fight long before it has even started.

The crowd is surely enjoying this bout. Some have even placed bets on their respective picks. Just as the people are starting to thicken, something stirs from afar… sounds of hurried feet, followed by a frantic blowing of whistles. Could it be…? Holy crap! This match is to end in a no contest as the Sta. Lucia security guards burst from the crowd and apprehend the involved parties!!! With some semblance of peace restored, they instruct everyone, including yours truly, to immediately leave the area as the show is over. The people grumble as they reluctantly leave the improvised arena, discontented with the outcome.

The match is surely over, but the fight has only begun for Hell hath, Don Juan and Morgana. As the guards escort them away from our prying eyes, I have to declare Double H as the winner of this bout.

Join us again next time for another exciting impromptu match wherever it may erupt. Once again, I’m Quinito Kintanar, now signing off.




* Not their real names; c’mon, they have suffered enough humiliation fighting in public because of the man’s infidelity; do you think that they would have wanted to aggravate matters by informing the viewing public of their names? (“Hayop ka, Jose Pilar, 32, ng Cainta! Dalawang anak ang iniwan mo sa’kin, ngayon ipagpapalit mo lang ako sa kerida mong ‘yan! “Huminahon ka, Marietta Pilar, 31, ng Cainta! Mali ang iyong inaakala! Tama na, Marietta, tama na! Kaibigan ko lang si Eva, 23, ng Pandacan!”)